June 06, 2006

No Offense Intended, Really

Wife upstairs on laptop, me downstairs, talking about the muslim that got eaten by the lion:

Vinnie (PBUH) says:
About that zoo trip http://www.sptimes.ru/index.php?action_id=2&story_id=17804

M E R R I says:
what a stupid, stupid man!

Vinnie (PBUH) says:
No, just your typical muslim

M E R R I says:
I guess so...and now he's visiting the Lion's virgins.

If she didn't work so much, I'd nominate her as the new Padawan.

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Apocalypse Watch

It's 5:42 pm here in the Midwest and no sign of Impending Doom. The skies are bright blue, not red, and no reports of the seas boiling. The four horsemen have yet to appear, and the 12th Imam is still holed up in his well, passing up love letters to Mahmoud.

However, in less than half an hour, I will be hiding under the bed at 6:06:06 pm. I slept through it this morning though.

update Well, nothing happened. Except my dog's head turned 360 degrees and now she's talking to me. In French. But that could just be the alcohol. Had to brace myself, you know.

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Lion Attacks Would-be Daniel Hidden Imam

I knew Daniel. Daniel was a friend of mine. You, sir, are no Daniel.

Turns out the idiot was probably a Shia Muslim since he was an Azeri. Which means either a) he believes he's the "Hidden Imam" and thought the lion's den was the well where prayers are dropped into or b) he was attempting to develop the world's first lion powered suicide vest.

BelchSpeak thinks it was a bet. I guess he lost.

Seattle Times:

A man shouting that God would keep him safe was mauled to death by a lion in a Kiev, Ukraine, zoo after he crept into the animal's enclosure, a zoo official said Monday.

"The man shouted, 'God will save me, if he exists,' lowered himself by a rope into the enclosure, took his shoes off and went up to the lions," the official said. "A lioness went straight for him, knocked him down and severed his carotid artery."

Actually, this proves that there is a God and that he has a very keen sense of humor.

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June 05, 2006

I'm Going to Become an 'Undocumented Worker' in Mexico

That giant sucking sound you hear is The Jawa Report moving its corporate headquarters to Mexico.

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May 30, 2006

Because It's A Star Wars Themed Blog, That's Why

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May 25, 2006

God, Country, Beastie Boys: My Loyalties in That Order

A twofer Beastie Boys lunch extravaganza!

Llamas with Sabatoge. Chaos with She's On It

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May 24, 2006

Secure the Blow!

My buddy Cookie tells this tale of when life on a submarine goes horribly wrong. Don't read it during the dinner hour.

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May 19, 2006

***BREAKING*** HOUSE REPUBLICANS VOTE TO FORCE LIBS TO WEAR IDENTITY PATCHES

***BREAKING: MUST CITE JAWA REPORT***

Fascist neocon House Rethuglikkkans passed a bill today that would force all Commie symp, leftist, BDS suffering Koskid moonbats to identify themselves with a yellow stripe down the back.

The bill has yet to go to the Senate, where, if approved, would be sent up for blessings by our wise and all-knowing Emperor ChimpyMcBusHitler. Assuming he can tear himself away from talking to God and exterminating all of the brown people for a few minutes.

This story has yet to be confirmed.

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Open Thread Friday

Things could get quiet here today, so have yourselves a nice little flamewar in the comments.

Sure, you could debate something in a rational and civil manner, but what fun is that?

Update: Oh, and feel free to hand yourself a fatwa with open trackbacks on this post.

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May 17, 2006

Who Writes These Headlines?

House ethics panel to probe several lawmakers

Larry Flynt?

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The Other Unasked Question About Illegal Immigration

Where the Hell did I put that English to Spanish dictionary anyway?

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Will You Still Need Me

or will You Bleed me? When I'm Sixty-Four.....And the answer is...

CNN:On Wednesday, (Paul) McCartney, who turns 64 next month, posted a message on his personal Web site saying that he was upset over suggestions that Mills McCartney had simply married him for his fortune
I'm not worried about the money thing, it's like a prophesy! more...

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May 16, 2006

Tonight's Double Entendre Post

Hey, it's not just illegal immigration that has people upset over bush.

Related.

I personally have no problem with either of those bush-related links.

UPDATE: I apologize, my 1st grade teacher, Mrs. Queef, would have rapped my knuckles for not capitalizing "bush."

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The Charge Nurse: My Struggle, Part One

As many of you know, I recently underwent total knee replacement surgery for my right knee, destroyed while working for the Transportation Security Administration. For various reasons, not the least of which is the haste with which it was formed, the TSA has the highest injury rate of any federal organization, outside of the armed forces. This is one of the factors responsible for the extraordinarily high attrition rate among TSA employees. At my home airport, only 19 of the original 150 screeners hired remain on the job after less than four years. But that's another post. This post is about my historic struggle with the medical establishment following the completion of the surgical procedure.

The first indication that my treatment would result in a war of wills came at the pre-surgery consultation with my surgeon. Not only was I informed that the procedure would require a three day hospital stay, but it was to be performed at St. Joseph's, that most militant of hysterical anti-tobacco hospitals. more...

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May 12, 2006

Now That's What I Call Active Activism

Heh, time for some funny:

Police said a paraplegic activist for Southern California's disabled managed to leap from her wheelchair and run.

Of course, this is an AP story, which is why, even after she got up from a wheelchair and ran, they insist on calling her a "paraplegic."

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May 10, 2006

Spaghetti Eating in Burka: Lady and the Tramp Remix (video)

Jason is on a roll and sets this woman in a full burka eating spaghetti, which we brought to you earlier here, to the appropriate music. Did you think it was funny the first time? This takes the funny up a notch (WARNING: screen spewage alert, drink liquids at safe distance)

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Eating Spaghetti in a Burka

Video of a woman trying to eat spaghetti through her burka. Notice the dude reading the paper trying not to look. Try not to laugh. Hat tip: RG

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May 09, 2006

Carlos Mencia Bitch Slaps Terrorists (Video)

Carlos Mencia's brief pissing match with an Arab who thought 9/11 was a good thing. Mencia is no dhimmi. Just watch it, you'll be glad you did. Hat tip: Maximum Leader.

"Blackie, Darkie, Cracker: Wonder twin powers, activate!"

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May 06, 2006

Real Life Cripple Fight

south_park_cripple_fight.jpgDo not laugh at this. I repeat: Do. Not. Laugh. At. This.

Man Without Legs Fights Deaf Guy:

Kent Hisey, 52, became frustrated by the difficulty of James Mills, who is deaf, in communicating directions....Hisey, who has two prosthetic legs, stopped his car at the Porter County Airport, got out and used his walker to go around to the passenger side, where he grabbed Mills to pull him from the car, police said.

Mills allegedly pushed Hisey to the ground, causing him to hit his head.

If you laughed, you are a bad person. A very very bad person.

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May 05, 2006

My Experience With United 93

Helpless.

That's the best I can describe how it felt watching this movie.

Helpless watching the passengers board, the door shut and the plane taking off with 4 terrorists bent on flying it into the Capitol.

Helpless watching the FAA, ATC's, and military trying to make sense out of what was going on.

Helpless watching the ground get closer and closer before the screen went black.

You want to yell "Don't get on that plane!" You want to yell "No, dammit, American Flight 11 is NOT still in the air!" You want to yell "They're not POSSIBLE hijackings, goddammit!"

But all you can do is sit there, helpless, knowing what the end is going to be.

This movie will weigh heavily on my mind when we get ready to board our flights for our upcoming vacation. While watching United 93 left me feeling helpless, I know that in the post 9/11 world, no American plane will be ever be hijacked in that fashion again and used as a guided missile.

We have the heroes and heroines of United Flight 93 to thank for that.

Update: My wife offers her thoughts on the movie.

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May 04, 2006

At Last!

Now my son and I can spend some really important quality time doing a six episode Star Wars marathon. I’ll never have to explain Episode V and VI again! And no kid, those are my toys at grandma’s not yours.

Timeout.com :Geeks the world over have reason to celebrate today – George Lucas has finally listened to their pleas and is releasing the original versions of the 'Star Wars' trilogy on DVD.

On September 11, two-disc sets of 'Star Wars: Episode IV A New Hope', 'Episode V The Empire Strikes Back' and 'Episode VI Return of the Jedi' will hit the streets, featuring the digitally restored and re-mastered versions of the movies.

And as bonus material, they will also include the Holy Grail for true 'Star Wars' fans - the original theatrical versions of the films.

Yes Mom, it is the same poster from my bedroom wall.

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April 28, 2006

Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt to do Ayn Rand

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt in Atlas Shrugged? That's what the Hollywood insiders are saying. I guess anything with Angelina Jolie is bound to attract some attention from me--on top of the fact that she is going to star in the screen adaptation of one of the Right's most beloved works of fiction.

Personally, I'm not a big fan. Hang around with enough libertarians (like I do) and you realize that there is a kind of cult of Ayn Rand among certain circles. So what I'm about to say is bound to offend.

In addition to being bad gay, I don't think Ayn Rand was that great of a theorist. I don't really get Objectivism--Ayn Rand's philosophy. I find it tired and boring in the same way that I do Marxism. I just don't have a lot of patience for any theory of absolutes--which is why I describe myself as a 'Burkean libertarian' when asked.

In my dealings with Obectivists, I always got the feeling that they were the Right's version of Scientologists. You know, like they couldn't let an hour go by without dropping Ayn Rand's name into a conversation, and that every time they walked into a book store they had to buy a copy of Atlas Shrugged. No wonder Allen Greenspan dropped out of their ranks years ago!

And it's not like I hated the books, I just didn't love them either. No epiphemy for me--but maybe that's because I've always had libertarian leanings? Just a good read. No big deal.

So, will I go see Atlas Shrugged? Sure will. The last time an Ayn Rand novel was put on to the silver screen it turned into an instant classic. But then again, we had Gary Cooper to convince us that one man could stand alone against the world. I just don't see Brad Pitt pulling the same thing off as tycoon John Galt.

But Angelina Jolie as Dagny Taggart? I'm so there.

And for my Objectivist friends, on a note of redemption, they will be glad that I passed on this news: Angelina Jolie is said to be a big Ayn Rand fan---and anything Angelina is into can't be all that bad, can it?.

Except Brad Pitt. And it turns out, Brad Pitt is into Ayn Rand, too. Go figure.

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April 21, 2006

Cologne Killing Young Saudi Men

(Jeddah, Saudi Arabia) Social science experts are calling for a national awareness campaign after a rash of deaths of young Saudi men who drank cologne containing methyl alcohol. Although alcohol is prohibited in the Kingdom, 17 young Saudis have died in the recent past believing anything that lists alcohol as an ingredient is safe to drink.

From ArabNews.com:

Al-Nadwa daily recently launched an investigation into the practice in an effort to warn young people and hopefully save lives.

"This problem started four years ago when a number of university and high school students fell victim to it," said Dr. Saleh Awad Al-Garni, an expert in Islamic studies. "At that time, the Ministry of Commerce and Industry withdrew all the cologne from the market where ethyl alcohol exceeded 90 percent and methyl alcohol exceeded 50 percent."

Unfortunately, a typical result of banning a product is the creation of a black market.
"It's very sad that these people are buying the cologne to drink it," said Dr. Muayad Al-Hashmi, a general practitioner. "The Ministry of Commerce warned us about these colognes and limited sales to spray bottles. Smugglers, on the other hand, import the dangerous colognes into the Kingdom caring only about making fast money -- not about people's health.
Experts blame a variety of causes for the behavior of the young men. These include personality disorders, social and family troubles, and satellite television. I don't know, but if I lived in a hot, desert environment, I'd want a cold beer. You could blame it on my . . . uh . . . personality disorder . . . or anything you'd like. And despite flowery-pleasant breath, I'll pass on the foo-foo.

From Interested-Participant.

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April 20, 2006

Free Breast Exams

Philip Winikoff(Lauderdale Lakes, Florida) A 76-year-old door-to-door illegal breast examiner, Philip Winikoff, was arrested for playing doctor and sexually assaulting women.

From Local10.com:

The man found at least two Lauderdale Lakes women who took him up on his offer.

One 36-year-old woman said she let Winikoff into her apartment. She (sic) after he touched her breasts, he moved his hand to her genitals. She said one (sic) she realized that Winikoff was not a real doctor and she called the Broward Sheriff's Office.

Investigators said by that time, Winikoff had already found another victim; a 33-year-old woman who lives in the same complex. That woman told deputies that Winikoff also sexually assaulted her.

Obviously, Winikoff didn't read the rule book which specifies that a person must quit playing doctor after promotion from grade school. Winikoff instead might want to consider playing a congressman. By his picture, there's a remarkable resemblance to Rep. Jack Murtha of Pennsylvania who has recently shown that he would help the country more by being a breast examiner. Okay, that was a cheap shot. I apologize.

Winikoff has been booked into the Broward County Jail on sexual assault charges.

From Interested-Participant.

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April 12, 2006

Scientists Smell Cow Manure

(Hays, Kansas) Researchers at Fort Hays State University are studying cow manure to determine what makes it stink. To determine the cause of the odor, Professor Ed Olmstead, cattle scientist John Jaeger and two students plan to sample manure deposits at a variety of feedlots and analyze the constituents.

It's believed that specific unpleasant elements can be identified and possibly eliminated to make cow flop smell as enjoyable as Irish Spring. Notably, Jaeger said it might be something in what the cows eat. I'm not a scientist, but I think Jaeger may be on to something.

Presumably, the researchers will incorporate results from studies of animals known not to produce foul smells. For example, the in-depth statistical data derived by mainstream media analyses of people who produce no foul-smelling effluent could be most beneficial. Consequently, a close examination of the manure from Cindy Sheehan and Hillary Clinton could likely yield important results. The consensus of the media is that their stuff doesn't stink.

From Interested-Participant.

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