Soccer superstar David Bekham is coming to the U.S. To play for my hometown team, the L.A. Galaxy. Why does this remind me of the great Pele fiasco? Sky News:

But he insisted he was not going just for the money, but to make a difference in American sport.

He already has a football school in Los Angeles.

"Soccer is huge everywhere around the world, except in America," he said.

"That's where I want to make a difference with the kids."

Then America woke up the next morning and realized that by 'soccer', the elites trying to force us to become more 'global' in our sports, weren't talking about that game where the hot chicks wail on each other. No, that's 'foxy boxing'. Soccer is that game where they run up and down the field. Occasionally, the ball goes in the net. Oh, that soccer.

If Major League Soccer was a stock, I'd buy now. For the next year or two we'll be hearing a lot about how America has 'evolved' and that this new soccer phenom 'is a sign that the Bush go-it-alone' era is finally over. Then, with nary a headline from the media, MLS will go bankrupt. About this time next year, I'd be selling short.

I'm sure that it will be explained the same way the Pele bust was: we just weren't ready for soccer. Just another way for the cosmopolitan elite to remind flyover country of their utter disdain for us.

Most Americans find soccer as exciting as baseball. But baseball is our sport. So we're willing to pretend to like it. America's favorite boring sport is a patriotic duty. But the only thing Americans love more than hating Europeans is hating their boring sports.

The upside? L.A. hotels should look forward to an increase in business. The number of paparazzi looking to get a candid upskirt of Mrs. David Bekham, Victoria "Posh Spice" (are they still together?), must be in the thousands by now. And the chance that Bekham will have an affair with Brittney Spears or Paris Hilton is near certainty. I mean, what young celeb hasn't doinked at least one of them? But after a few weeks I'm sure our domestic paparazzi will come to dominate the Bekham sighting shots.

So, welcome to America David Bekham. Enjoy your short-lived fame. But I'd cash that Galaxy check as soon as possible. And make sure they send you a roundtrip ticket.

UPDATE: Let me also add the reason why soccer can never, and I mean never, be a commercial success in the U.S. Commercials. Unlike our other boring sport, baseball, soccer has no time-outs. No in-between times like in football. Just two halves. No room for commercials. And let's face it, the real money--the kind that will cover Bekham's $180 million salary, has to come from TV. No commercials, no big TV contracts.

Posted by: Rusty at 11:26 AM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
Post contains 518 words, total size 3 kb.

1 There is at least one difference.  Beckham is only 31 and still a decent player.  Pele was about 83 and played in a wheelchair when he came to the NASL.

Posted by: slug at January 11, 2007 12:34 PM (T5Beb)

2 <i>"That's where I want to make a difference with the kids."</i>

Why would his presence make a difference with people who'd never heard of him and don't care about him.   At least people had actually heard of Pele, not that it made any difference.

Posted by: Jesusland Carlos at January 11, 2007 01:06 PM (8e/V4)

3 Its official, America is to soccer what Japan is to baseball.  Its where the declining greats go for a second career.

Posted by: Cruiser at January 11, 2007 01:25 PM (Pl6jA)

4 Soccer...isn't that a girlie sport?  You know, with Mia Hamm and all?

Posted by: NorthernCross at January 11, 2007 01:31 PM (YAUPn)

5 Soccer is very popular here (so the "Pele" thing did work somewhat) but its just that nobody can bear watching it other than the parent of the kids playing it, which means it makes no money.  As a parent of three kids who play, it has been interesting to watch all of the talented kids get siphoned-off year after year to play other sports, like football.  It tells you that though a lot of kids play it - it is not where our heart is.

Posted by: Cruiser at January 11, 2007 01:35 PM (Pl6jA)

6 Each individual American can only handle one global-elitist sport and there are just so many to choose from that none of them will ever succeed here.  I picked cycling long ago - Futbol doesn't have a chance. 

Posted by: Editor at January 11, 2007 01:48 PM (adpJH)

7 Northern Cross,

Funny enough, I had a conversation with a bus driver in London last summer.  When I told him baseball is similar to 'rounders', he said. "That's a girl's sport!"

Posted by: Rusty at January 11, 2007 02:31 PM (JQjhA)

8

Not all soccer fans are cosmo elitist. I'm a soccer fan... I went to the world cup to cheer for the USA out of spite. The best cheer... AMERICA! (yelled by one person and followed by the rest with) FUCK YEAH! Most the fans were just sports fans. There were some yuppies who cringed but I just spilt my beer on them. Soccer is a kick ass sport that America can make better. Add commercials, kick people out for diving, allow more contact. Fuck FIFA and their bullshit we can do what we want with our league. Football is still the best sport hands down. Baseball can lick my balls.

Posted by: Dustin at January 11, 2007 02:51 PM (d+fHI)

9 <blockquote>Soccer is a kick ass sport that America can make better. Add commercials, kick people out for diving, allow more contact.</blockquote>
 
They've already made that sport - it's called Aussie Rules. 

Posted by: Editor at January 11, 2007 04:00 PM (adpJH)

10 I used to play some soccer in grade school, and Posh is my favorite 'Spice'      so I hope they do well, and set no bad examples. 
 
 
Who is YOUR favorite 'Spice"?
 
 
 
USA, all the way!

Posted by: Michael Weaver at January 12, 2007 05:50 AM (2OHpj)

11 I don't watch baseball, but anybody who hates it does so because they were never good enough to play it. Playing any position in baseball requires talent and strength. Even catcher. The only position in football that requires talent is the quarterback. The other positions can be filled by any warm body that's fast enough or strong enough, although I do like football.


Soccer is for little girls, and effeminate foreigners who cant handle rugby. Hopscotch is more rugged.

Posted by: Jeff Bargholz at January 12, 2007 03:08 PM (abVz3)

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